~The Knowing - Part II~

 

Since I was a little girl, as far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a nurse when I grew up.  I knew that taking care of people was something I wanted to do.

As a little girl, I would get my baby dolls and lay them out on my bed.  I would pretend that I was a nurse and they were my patients.

My most coveted doll when I was little was my "Baby Heartbeat" doll.  She was a doll that came wearing a gown and diaper.  She also came with a thermometer and stethoscope.  When you placed the stethoscope over her chest you would hear her heartbeat.  I loved that doll.

As I grew up and outgrew my love of playing with dolls, I always carried the thought in the back of my mind that I very much wanted to become a nurse one day.  I never doubted for even one second that there was any reason I could not become a nurse.  I was headstrong and very determined and I very much believed that I could do anything I set my mind to.

That all changed however when I reached grade eight.

I had never liked math, and throughout my years in grade school, my marks in math were never that great.  I never failed math, but I only received average marks.  A lot of it had to do with the simple fact that I did not like math and found it really boring, so I didn't truly apply myself.

It was during a meeting with my school's grade eight guidance counsellor that I put my hopes of becoming a nurse to rest.

Prior to selecting what high school classes we wanted to take, each student had to meet with the guidance counsellor to discuss what career it was that we hoped to one day pursue.  I told the guidance counsellor that I wanted to become a nurse.

The guidance counsellor looked through a file that contained all of my marks.  After looking it over, she sat the file down and told me that my marks in math were not that impressive.

She then told me that to become a nurse you had to excel in math.  She then told me to be realistic and consider another career, preferably one that didn't require good math skills.

I left that meeting feeling so disappointed.  All of my hopes and dreams of becoming a nurse were simply not meant to be.  I felt like I had basically been told that I was too stupid so don't even bother trying.

In high school I received rather high marks in math.  Yet, after completing high school I lost my direction.  I no longer knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I didn't really bother thinking all that much about what type of career to pursue.  I was content to work at any old job, as long as I got paid.  Yet in the back of my mind I still hung onto the hope of 'maybe one day'...

Many years later, the night I gave birth to my first born child I had a kind of awakening.  I was all alone in my hospital room just holding her, staring at her.  I was in complete and utter love with my beautiful new baby girl.  To me she was perfect, and was the most beautiful thing I had ever layed eyes on.

While holding my daughter, I began thinking.  Here I was holding this tiny little new life in my arms. Each and every day, this precious little baby was going to grow, and as she did, I wanted her to experience all that life had to offer.

My little girl had her entire life ahead of her and she could do anything with her life, anything at all. I truly believed that there was nothing she wouldn't be able to conquer or accomplish.

Yet, how was I going to teach her that and instill that belief in her when I had never even attempted to become a nurse for fear of failure?

I kept that thought in the back of my mind.

A couple of years later, and the mom of two beautiful little girls, I began getting what I can only describe as an unbelievably intense persistent feeling.  It was a feeling, a knowing that I should be going through to become a nurse.

It was as if someone had flicked a switch on inside of me.  I suddenly began to realize and know that I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing with my life.  How I knew that, or what made me even think it, I have no idea.  It just began as a small thought within me.

I then recalled the time many years prior, when I was in hospital after suffering from a miscarriage.  At that time I experienced what I can only describe as a "knowing" as well that I was meant to one day become a nurse.  Somehow I had completely forgotten about that experience.

I'm not sure if it was reality or if it was more likely fear that would set in and I'd think to myself, 'How the hell can you go back to school with two little girls to take care of?'

A cousin of mine dated a girl that was studying to become a nurse, they eventually went on to get married.  She often talked about how heavy the course load is in studying to become a nurse.  She talked of various classes and assignments, tests, exams.  How was I going to manage all of that and two children?  And what about my math skills?

Then, one night, only a few weeks after first having the feeling, I had a very vivid dream.

I don't remember the exact details of the dream, I didn't right after having the dream either.  All I remembered was that I was walking somewhere and saw my grandfather off in the distance.

He had been deceased for years, so I was very happy to see him in the dream.  I began to cry tears of joy at the mere sight of him in the distance.  He was standing amongst other people, and they were all talking and laughing.  I didn't really bother to take all that much notice of any of the other people since I didn't really recognize any of them.

As I approached my grandpa he was smiling and seemed just as happy to see me as I was to see him.  I continued to walk towards him, and when I got within maybe 20 feet from him, he told me to stop and told me that I couldn't go any further.

I began to get upset and cried even harder because I was so happy to see him, and I wanted to hug him.  He insisted that I couldn't step forward any closer.  Seeing how insistent he was about it, I did not go any further.

He smiled again and because of the immense peacefulness and love I felt emanating from him, I felt very calm. I immediately stopped crying.  He and I then began talking.
I do not remember the details of what we talked about, but when I awoke from the dream the dream was very vivid in my mind.  The clarity of seeing him, as well as the other people seemed so real.  It felt as if I had actually just been there visiting with him.

All of a sudden, while laying in my bed thinking about the dream, I was hit with the knowing that I was meant to go back to school to become a nurse.  I was certain without a doubt.

I knew that I was not at the place where I was supposed to be in my life.  I don't know why, but as soon as I began to question going back to school, or any doubt entered my mind about it, a stronger voice inside of me quelled it.  I knew that I would be successful and knew without a doubt that this was something I had to do.  It was such an unbelievably strong inner knowing, I could not ignore it.

Later that morning, I phoned my dad.  I told him all about the dream and the sudden intense knowing.  He asked how I was going to manage going to school full-time as well as the heavy course load.  I told him I had no idea, but I was putting it all into God's hands, and I knew it was the right thing to do.

That weekend, a few days after the dream, I was visiting with my parents in their home when my dad told me that he and my mom had been talking.  They decided that since my mom was going to be babysitting my daughters while I went to school, my parents thought it might be a lot easier if I simply moved back into their home.

My dad said it would be a lot easier for me because then he and my mom could look after the kids and even put them to bed at night if I had studying to do.  My dad then said, "You're mom and I really want you to do this, and if you're successful and do it, do your realize how Goddamn proud of you your mother and I will be?"

I got choked up and began to cry.  I was very grateful to my parents.  In fact words can not even begin to convey my feelings at how appreciative I was.

My dad then began teasing me about my dream and said, "So your grandfather told you to go back to school?"  I laughed and told him that I couldn't remember anything he said to me.

My dad then began asking me how I planned to do it, what if was too much to handle, what if I failed etc.  I simply reiterated to my dad that I wasn't worried about any of that.  I just knew that going back to school was something I was meant to do.  I also told him that I didn't know how, but I somehow knew that I would do it and I was not going to fail.

A handful of months after the dream, September rolled around. My oldest daughter was going to be starting kindergarten.  The first day my daughter started kindergarten, I started college.

My first week of college was incredibly hectic.  After the first few days I asked myself what the hell I was doing.  I also wondered what the hell made me believe I could actually handle the course load.

My classes started on a Monday, and by Friday I was in tears wondering what I'd gotten myself into.  During my lunch break, I headed up to the Program Coordinators office.  She took one look at me and told me to come into her office and take a seat.

As soon as she and I sat down, she smiled and asked me how my first week was going. I broke down in tears and told her that I didn't know what compelled me to think I could do this.  The course load was immense and I didn't think I could handle it.  There was so much to learn and so much to study.  I was convinced that I was going to fail.  I didn't know how I was going to juggle going to college full-time and being a mom.

I then told her about my childhood aspirations of becoming a nurse one day.  I also told her about my grade 8 guidance counsellor who squashed my dream.  I also told her I had two little girls at home that were only 4 and 2 years of age.  I told her that with such a heavy course load, I was stressed out.  I was wondering how I would be able to spend any time with my children since most of my free time would be taken up with studying and completing various assignments.

The coordinator just sat there the entire time I rambled on.  She offered me a tissue, and when I was finished ranting she smiled.  She then said, "I can tell you are going to be successful in this program.  You seem very smart, you are very articulate and this is something you have wanted your entire life."  She then said, "You can do this, and you will."

The coordinator then told me that intelligence wasn't the only thing necessary to be successful in the nursing program.  She said that excellent time management skills were imperative.

She took a look at my class schedule and told me about the next class I had that very afternoon.  It was a class that was going to cover the topic of time-management.  She told me to be sure and attend the class, that I would find it very informative and very helpful.

I thanked the coordinator and left her office with a renewed sense of hope and determination.

The class turned out to be excellent.  I was able to learn how to better manage my time and to develop a schedule for managing my time.  I scheduled time for studying, homework, assignments.  I even scheduled time to be with my daughters.

The course load was immense but with my new found time management skills I was able to manage it all.  I can't even count how many hours I spent pouring over books and studying.  A numerous amount of time was dedicated to research and the completion of assignments, essays and presentations.  And who can forget the numerous tests and major exams.  It was at times, very exhausting.

In the end it was all worth it.  Not only did I graduate from the program, I had also maintained an excellent grade point average.


So, as it turned out, the "knowing" feeling proved to be correct.  I became a licensed registered nurse, and it is a job I absolutely love.  I honestly can not imagine myself doing anything else.  

Studying nursing is one hell of a lot of work.  There is so much to learn.  It is easily overwhelming. There were a few times throughout the program, not only from sheer exhaustion but feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I felt just about ready to give up.  But, somehow I managed to keep going.  It was a lot of work, and looking back I can't believe I actually got through it.  Sometimes I don't know how I did it really.  

Where did the knowing I experienced come from?  What if I had chosen to ignore it? However I don't believe that could have been possible since the feeling was far too strong to ignore.  Was it God speaking to me, guiding me?  Was it my guardian angel?  Or was it all simply gut instinct?

All I know is that I have experienced that immediate sense of sudden knowing a few times in my life now and I have followed that feeling every single time and it hasn't been wrong yet. It has always been correct and steered me in the right direction.  

I learned a very valuable lesson, and that is that we should never, ever let someone else decide for us what we should be doing with our life.  Never let someone else decide for you what you can or can not do.  Never allow someone to tell you what you are or are not capable of.


"Keep your dreams alive. Understand that to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication.  Remember all things are possible for those who believe."
~Gail Devers~

"The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you."
~Tom Bradley~



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